I have a Wife
by DeathUser
Summary: I am not AMUSED. What would you expect me to do? It's not like I can just accept that she came out of nowhere and said she's my wife! Hah! Funny? WRONG! (F/GO) sassy!MordredxHakuno
1. Chapter 1

Just any other day I woke. Like any other day where I, Mordred Pendragon would leave the fantasies of dreams to face the harsh reality of annoying Servants and conniving Masters. Up to the world of living and away from the pleasant embrace of unconsciousness.

Like any other day, I walk up from a nap, open my eyes to be greeted by the expected dim lights protruding into harsh grey skies. But like any other day, it is not what I saw.

Soft and pleasant size mounds, pinkish and covered with thin familiar cloth, five inches away from my face.

Soft and supple mounds from a brunette with lovely eyelashes fluttering on her sleep, buried close to my blonde tresses, Hakuno Kishinami- the enigmatic Servant in a rare **[Master]** Class, both known in her distance to men and her fondness to every women like a true walking goddess.

Like any other day, I found myself holding upon her waist, my left arm numb and our legs intertwined. The blankets thrown upon our feet, and a familiar pillow missing, clearly on the floor bared no comfort to sedate the cold of Antartica.

Just like any other day, I feel the warm of her body, perfectly fit upon mine, craving to touch, submissive even in her state of sleep. I stared, processing, thinking.

And like any other day, I uttered. "How did she get in here." With door and window barricaded like there's no tomorrow, just like any other day I wondered.

Barely on the realm of wakefulness, I sighed. Like a bulb in my head the week spun at once, answering my questions- barring the whys.

So like any other day, I would secretly kiss her brow, inhale her ambrosial scent, remind myself she's the one before I-

"Get the fuck out."

Pushed her face away, and comes the familiar thud of body on the floor.

And just like any other day, I would grit my teeth and mumbled in haggard voice;

"Right, how could I forget? I have a _wife _now."

So like any other day, I am not (_not_) amused my life has changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Warning for bad words but eh… Kids these days swear like sailors. Do I really need to alert my readers too?**

* * *

It's a good day in Chaldea. The sun is shining passed the white clouds, the birds are chirping- basking into the warmth and most Servants are having a good old times communicating with their fists while Emiya cooks for everyone alive with those hazardous pink apron and spatula drawn like a knife.

It's a good day for everyone, right?

**Wrong.**

Fuck those who thought that.

It _was _a good day, until I remembered I'm in the middle of Antartic where no birds can survived and inside this old god- damned base, all kinds of Servants in different shapes and sizes have their unique personality I can't stomach for the life of me.

Welcome to Chaldea where it's cold all the time, there's a bunch of assholes, corpse are trying to populate the world, we're not getting paid, rations are almost gone and most of us will die before we were summoned again. Everyone is happy, long live the kings, there's entertainment in every direction they look, fuck Merlin and there's children who can assassinate you and I am a small target of their mischief just like any other else.

Add to the fact there's like a hundred different faces of father littering the halls, Golden Kings who bragged with their treasures, psychotic women, closet perverts and Knights who wants to have my head for god knows what and most of all we- no, _they_ could only ascend in their fullest capability by having sex with one of the two Masters we have.

Pretty much a good life, no?

WRONG!

I'm so old for this shit! Even I forgot many, I knew I lived once as a daughter died as a King, twice as a Servant killed and betrayed, thrice as a human deleted as a Ruler and now I'm Servant yet again for the fourth time and I thought the craziness are sick with me but guess what? Fate plays with me.

If only Gudao and Gudako didn't begged for me to go out of my room besides my side missions with them, I would gladly stay away from the chaos of Chaldea playing my video games and sleeping like a sloth and eating like a bear. I might as well be spared the headaches these Neanderthal fools are drilling into my head blasting their fucking voices inside the cafeteria. It's hard enough to hide from the fox and that narcissistic empress.

But no. Gudao effing made me succumbed to those ugly puppy eyes, saying I must interact with those ass faced monkeys. And Gudako….

God. Who could escape that demon I would like to know. I have friends- few but true- yet they wanted me to be wild, make explosions, attack many face- like Fathers- which are wary of me (don't even know them personally)- and be loud and cheery and bold!

I'm so done with those stereotypical blonde bimbos. I don't want to have the same enthusiastic energy I had before.

I want silence, a good ol' nap and a boring ass television series and comfortable company in a tranquil place and those twins couldn't even afford it to me.

I don't even want to go into this cafeteria! It's like those banquets where I'm expected to behave proper for those common baboons until they brought ales and yell like savages!

Why, in my time breakfast in bed is a common theme! Who the heck thought it's a good idea bonding with food on their front? Foods are sacred, why should they ignore it in the expense of others?

And these noise, my effing ears. "I have a millennia of problems, can't even have a quiet time when I needed it the most." I told myself, pivoting away as Hercules ran straight towards the exit with Ajurna on his shoulder, sipping on his cup of tea.

See what I mean about crazy? These people are maniacs.

"Mordred, did you hear?" I huffed, spotting one of the few people I tolerate waving at me to come with a book on his hand. Thank the Masters for small mercies.

"What?" I grumbled, making my way next to Jekyll's table with Christian Andersen and Frankenstein, greeting me with a simple nod that I accept on the same term. Frankenstein pushed a full tray of foods to me. I smiled, grateful- that's why I like these silent types, they're the best people I can get.

"Master Gudao announced that there's a possible new Servant they will summoned today…" Jekyll stopped, looking at me up and down, chuckling. "… and good pajama's by the way." I gave him a stare, not the least bit concern. A red hooded shirt and black shorts are my common clothes, what on earth is he talking about? He saw me with this stuff all day.

Ah, must be my hair but who cares, I haven't combed it for weeks.

Whatever.

"Yay, wished Gudako would stop bothering me then." I respond, taking an apple to my tray and munching it slowly. "It's getting harder and harder to sleep, even in dreams she haunted me."

"If only you'd comply on their wishes and let them see your arsenal. You're one of the most difficult to level up and I think they wanted it to be over with." Andersen whispered but I still hear it all the same.

I shuddered, repulsed.

"If they want to have sex with me like they do to all of you-…" with that they flinched, "- then good luck dreaming for nothing because I shall not stoop so low to overpower my shit. I'm fine with what I have, level up or not they can eat my dang, I'm fit as it is." And with that, the case was closed. I know what those leveled up entails into, it's not like I wanted that to happen to me. Heck! Almost all of them had sex with those two! What the fuck is this, harem!? My energy reserves dwindle from the noise and my fuming hands shoveling rice, I would've raised my voice for them to understand but thank god we're Servants as the middle table gave a guttural laughs and howlers. Damn Men Kings.

"I mean, it is interesting…." Jekyll continued, placing down his book, focusing unto the topic he drawn. "Master says they would use that ring as a relic to find if it might call a Servant as unique as it is. How wonderful is that when it occurs?"

"The what now?"

"The Regalia? The ring which came out of nowhere when the last Ray Shift failed?"

I stopped mid- bite, frozen for a second before I shrug my concerns aside. I know of the failed Shift, not of what it brings. It doesn't concern me, as I will take fistful of sleep than those little murmuring gossips. I admit, hearing that word put a small strain in my chest but it's impossible that what I have in mind coincides with that of the ring he said. It's one of a million, and I am not amused they called it that.

"Eh. Don't know. Don't care." Uncommitted for another round, I dove into my food, swallowing what I'm able, waiting to get the hell out of here and put my body in a cocoon of blankets for me to lazed all day. I incidentally let my eyes roam to my left and saw a few feet away a Servant with my father's face, blue gown and all with indescribable stare towards me. I ignore that persistent eyes just like any other day. I have enough to deal with than talk to a midget looking father.

I need to get away fast, because the longer I am here, the bigger the crowd would notice me there. Fuck, it's not my fault I'm better looking than them and their history named me as their killer. Hah! Talk who!? I guess they want me to talk to them about that, unfortunately. Eh, who cares, I'm not from their timeline so they can get the fuck off.

I won't let them destroy my day as it is.

But here comes Karma, and the lights suddenly blurred and statics sounds appeared the same time the whole Chaldea structure shook in waves. The cafeteria was silenced and the Servants tense up for an upcoming battle. While me? Nah.

"This is good." I complimented Emiya's omelet, unhindered to the disbelief of those around me. It takes no genius to know many have done their weapons, I might as well enjoy the peace while it lasted ya know? The heck would I do, dog pile with them when the dangers near? What stupid asshole would attack a Servants base in the first place?

The silence was broken yet again, as the door to the cafeteria opens and came the twin Masters, with hushed murmur beneath their lips. I dare not look at them, unconcerned as the Servants laughs their relief to see them safety. My tablemates are entranced to the twins, eyes with interest and curiosity that I remind myself they came from the summoning room. I conclude they come with the new Servant, but truly? I just don't care. Breathe and talk all they want, I'm so done with the noise for today.

I eat the remaining rice, drink my glass of milk and stands to walk to the other direction away from Gudako and Gudao. I hope their new play thing's interesting for them to be disturbed enough for me to take at least a week of hibernation before they egg me again to go into their callous missions. It's not like I'm hiding my skills, I just don't want them prodding into my memories.

I am a few feet away from the exit when I hear that blasted name spoken in deep confusion and sweet tone. I was struck numb, a painful twist coiled on my stomach.

Yes, _my _name.

But not just any other name.

It's _my freaking nickname._ And I do not let anyone knows it exist.

Except for one.

And that one died long ago.

But the owner of the voice uttered it, in hopes of confirmation. As if they are looking in a credulous possibility.

I stopped, tensed. Slowly I heard the hushed whispers died down, and feet softly making a pitter patter sounds on a marble floor. I feel the presence a few feet away from me and there, it stopped.

I can feel their gazes. Can feel the tension that fucking _nickname _brings. I raised my shoulder, self- conscious, but definitely angry at the unwanted attention when suddenly;

"_Morry?_ Is that you?"

My head whipped, cracking as the bone unpleasantly pressured to move in friction of second and there, I saw _her._

She was smiling, and innocent eyes shining when our eyes met.

Green to brown. Her features are terrifyingly down the very dot of spot. Same hair, eyes and clothes-, silver lining coiled on her neckline and silver ribbon held her white dress close to her frame.

My chest ached. She looked like _her_.

Shit. She looks like _Weiss!_

"Morry? Now that's a funny name!" it dawned on me right of the bat. I shuddered as _Gudako _and _Weiss_\- looking brunette stared me down.

_Great._

_Two sadist devils come to life_.

I blame Gudako for the cut, but part of me is glad to the intervention, lest I want to be consumed by fear. I used that chance to pursued the escape of my life as those brown orbs locks with that of Gudako, masked of indifference raise like a banner.

"The hell are you?"

But my mouth has a different agenda, and I'm forever doomed for it. The moment it leaves my traitorous mouth her eyes widened, surprised. I bolt, embarrassed as those eyes follows me.

The surprised yell of the others I do not bother. I _must_ find Da Vinci at once.

"MORDRED!" _Gudako_ called to me. Shit, it's Gudako!

Gotta run for my life y'all.

Yup. Totally. Definitely needs Da Vinci.

I need a new soundproofed dorm and a hundred door locks to keep those fucking orange haired Master at bay. But first I need to evacuate my things and so I fled.

Unfortunately, Da Vinci has a different idea.

"What the hell are you doing here!?" I can only uttered, jaw slacked.

"Fufufufu, I heard you have a wife, how devious of you to hide that~. It's the talk, you know? The resident E-MOrdred having a secret wife in a Servant **[Master]** Class. Why, Chaldea's all on the nose sniffing for gossips like I do~!" Leonardo Da Vince trotted, placing one good arm into my shoulders, bumping in jest.

Hold up! What the hell is she talking about?

Wife?

Talk!?

"So I took advantage and place necessities she needed for the day~, I hope you don't mind though, you have enough space for two so instead of placing a second one, a king sized bed would suffice to the both of you, no~?"

I could only watched, eyes twitching staring down at the small trinkets and luggage awaiting me at the back of my room.

I heard her sigh, and a hand holding my chin.

"Dear, close your mouth or you'll catch a fly~. So for my payment, let me know something everyone don't, aye~?"

"I have one." I draw strength, inhaling deeply as much as I can.

"What is it, dearie~?"

"Who the fuck told everyone I have a wife!? Why don't _**I**_ know I have a wife?!" I gripped my hair in despair, growling to the heavens.


	3. Chapter 3

When in a very compromising situation, they said to run like hell is licking on your ankles trying to snatch you away.

They said run, but they didn't say where to go. So much for a deep shit load of wisdom. Fucking hell will it save me the effort to find the appropriate bunker for the hell bound life I have.

Those who conjure such amazing word must have literally run like there's no tomorrow, since such senseless words have been made since I was a child. Moreover, running requires usage of limbs and energy that my metabolism needs to burn in exchange, or the effing cardiovascular effort, wasted adrenaline to boost and muscular strain that compromise of running seems not so appealing to a sloth like me.

I ran once today, and scream myself raw. I have wasted valuable energy I rather not repeat.

The best course of action? Be calm and find a good old hiding spot. Perfect, right? Just a small effort with a lazy trout and a slow paced thinking equivalent into a lullaby for a baby who needs sleep like I do.

So here I am, in an irrelevant pursuit of tranquility at a library, where you will see fairly decent people who won't scream at you like they own the world and a bunch of shelves to fit my body and to hide my nonexistent ass.

I'm content at my pitiful state, knees bend in my chest and arms circling it, cashed in like books in the shelves at the lowest row (_where tiles and shelve meet, yes, that's it stupid_)- looking straight into a blank face of the Hassan Princess, in the same position as I do parallel to me. I gave her my best impassive impression, content just to spook each other out hoping we won't get to be found.

I snuggled in my red shirt, chilling like a burrito as I sighed in contentment, hoping my luck will not run out.

When trying to find a hideout ladywhore and gentlefuckers, know that they become a 'base' for someone who think faster than you, where they feel the same bullshit as I do and was, in fact, trying to be unseen into the very same people I am hiding from.

Take Angra Manyu for example. I had seen him in passing, when I jump into the vent out of my room the moment Da Vinci fled. He was in the darkest pits of those long ass ventilation systems, giggling all the while with a camera in hand. Don't know why he had that but like shit I care. He bid me bad luck for escaping the Master. Well, isn't he nice?

He might be the epitome of hatred but I'm a determined sloth. When sloth became motivated, they better hide than run.

That shit got what he deserved as I strangled him close to death. Nothing will find him there.

Or take a guess from Illyasviell. That twat's so traumatized by the kids her age to do anything in her power just to escape Kuro that she _agreed _to be in Media's pervert basement is so beyond me. I would've taken a hint with that bitch but everyone knows how lecherous that witch is so no. Just no.

Come to think of it, is that squirt aware she's on for a more problematic person than her sister? Eh, maybe she's masochist, whatever.

Then there was Passionlip. God, the poor wimp's trying to fit into the janitor's closet. She looked like a fished in a can by the way, all those flesh got to have some taste or somethin'.

I asked if I could hide in her cleavage, into the gaping trash bin in there. But the wimp starts crying; telling me Meltlilith and BB's occupying it now messing with her insides so she can take no further passengers in. Huh, that I can respect.

Then there's Alter Emiya who just blend in with the shadows because you know, he's a fucking piece of shit who tripped me when he didn't even move when I was walking trying to find a hiding spot.

Fuck you Emiya.

I saw Nightingale too, in the infirmary. She's cool I guessed, no one bothered her and no one entered her room. I would've go there if I didn't saw face like father trying a simple knock and was bombarded by grenades in the first three seconds, making a collateral damage. So yeah, no. I'm powerful, people _but _I am not that stupid when she just raised her middle finger and said, 'fuck off'.

Vladimir too, I saw that vampire between the space of a mirror and a wall, just chilling in there with his cup of coffee. The place was brilliant and it is covered by the bamboo shoots so no one notice the man. It's too small though, it would not fit us.

I then saw Gilgamesh the bookish, just sitting there in the main lobby minding his own business when I thought of his Gate.

"Oi Gilgamesh." I said and he gave me a big fucking 'Hn?'.

Common misconceptions about this man, is that he's a pompous ass who has a superior complex than everyone who ever lived…. Huh, it seems kind or a fact but, eh. He can be annoying and golden, but when you paid him the respect by treating him like a fucking living creature and not expecting an axe on your tail, he would be the greatest asset I could ever had.

"Hide me in your Gate." I doted him to, when he simply opened them and I sunk in his limitless treasures. It's golden I'm telling you. I am perfectly satisfied in my position, thinking ahead on how many hours, if not days or years will I stay there. I almost hoped bookish Goldie would forget about me so I can live my Servant life in a relative peace.

Key word: _almost,_ if I didn't saw something which puts green hue on my palette.

That fucker has more stash of porn with face like father in it that I could ever count. He had a collection of father's faces _statues _in very provocative and nude positions. I saw miniature versions, CD, shirts and pillows and picture frames.

Yeeeeaaaaaah…. **no**. The hell no. Who would have thought bookish Goldie is a fucking debauch leech?

I might not like those who have my father's face but I knew disrespect when I see one.

Hey brain cells, delete my praise to Gilgamesh up there.

So the best course of action?

I burned it all and there goes my privilege of entering his Gate ever again.

Eh, at least I do them favors. I'm a God, bitch fear me.

I found Brynhildr too, but that bitch is psychotic, I didn't fucking waste my time with her.

The sociopath dragon lady with a green hair was cool, like, _absolutely. _Why? Because the fucking cunt has bigger balls than I am that _Gudako _is running away from her! So green haired dragon lady and I were cool, 'cause we have a freaking understanding that I hate Gudako and they can fucking take everything about Gudako as her own. Why she loves that demon so much, I'm not gonna ask.

I tried exiting the premises of the Chaldea and trying to nap into the snowstorm outside.

Well, it takes me ten minutes of laying down there trying to doze off when those fucking pipsqueaks asking for Illya happened. They taunted me they will tell where I was to Gudako so without further I do revealed it where the wimp be hiding with.

But know this, children can say anything they want to anybody they want and they would be listened and everyone would believe them, because they are children, right? Those little fuckers. They lied! I let the fuckers get the best of me! That's the reason I don't like squirts, they remind me of myself when I was a kid! How my father put up with me, I'll never know.

I heard _her_ voice coming up the roof! And let me tell you, god forbid Goldie would be envious at Gudako's laugh.

So you all be asking why I am taking my precious time of napping to find a perfect spot of hiding in this dig old Chaldea? I have two things in fact;

One, Gudako's a demon I didn't want to face. One hopeful indication of boosting my skills coming from her and I will slit my throat just to leave that demon sucking on her own chance gone.

But I'm not _that_ suicidal, so there's that.

And the last reason is for me not to meet Weiss like brunette, which is the effing new Servant just summoned hours ago. Because new Servant means a Master nearby. Masters means trouble. And trouble is tiringly bothersome. And bothersome is not what I want. Add to the fact she is expected to join me into my _own room_ like some partner.

Hah! She was even called _my _wife! Let me be clear, I am not amused when Da Vinci told me it.

I want to hibernate. I want freedom. I want quiet.

And that brunette would not give me it when she was the reason Gudako's on my very tail with vigor in the first place.

So with it, comes the present with the Princess Hassan, dozing off in her little hiding hole.

I should have known it would not last, as a limb stopped in our spot, or more specifically; directly facing my body.

It is a feet of a woman, little and bare- footed. I should've known it is her, when she bends down to peak at my disgruntled expression, brown eyes calculatingly boring in my own.

I should have reacted better but this day has been tiring. I don't want a part of it.

Maybe it's better if I slit my throat now so I could rest at the Throne of Heroes? But ehhh, that place was littered with a bunch of people a hundred times bigger than the Servants here in Chaldea.

"You're avoiding me."

"No shit Sherlock," I automatically sneered back. Don't blame me, it's my defense mechanism. "I'm just looking for a perfect place to sleep you know, 'cause this place is _sooo comfy _and everyone can totally know I'm here so I'm expecting a very cheerful welcome back party courtesy of Gudako so I can live long and happy that you thought it good to say you're my wife. So, you know, that's awesomely fuck you because totally I appreciated it. _Very._"

Cue sarcasm.

I was trying to be polite in this moment, I never know how crybaby she was if she can't take such slight jab. I don't like crying. Or tears. Just, no. I don't want to be a handkerchief to clean snots if it does. Thankfully (_or unnervingly_), she didn't comment, nor were her expression altered. She looked like she's used to it and it makes me jittery in my place.

I almost felt guilty if I'm totally not sleep deprived right now.

"How'd you find me?" I asked, because shit the world this is the best hiding spot and this brunette must have an antenna to detect which is where.

Now she smiled. It creep me out a little but I persevere.

"You aren't exactly subtle. Better yet, you're not trying to be elusive."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I growled. She sat in front of me, legs tuck in. She let a finger brushed a stray strand and I find myself trailing the limb. I saw a glint on her eyes.

The little bitch, I can't believe I fall for that.

"Please come out of there. I would like to speak to you and I find it uncomfortable with you that way."

"It's really comfy, no thank you." I rebuked her request, who does she think she is? Doesn't mean she's a girl that I'll gave her a free pass to order me around and-

-She gives me this _look_ and I was suddenly out, crossed leg and spine straighten.

What. Hey brain cells, still there?

Yu- uh. Thre's two more.

She _smiled_ and it brings me eminent dread 'cause really, **how did she do that!?**

"For one, this is a very popular spot for activity if you needed privacy in uhm….. different purposes." I flinched, so thus a depressing aura emitting from behind the brunette, as if agreeing. "It was also an obvious choice. It is clever to hide in a spot anyone would thought but would not think to look about, for they knew you will find somewhere more secretive than plain sight. The irony was astounding or I just know you better than I thought. You might searched for more but failed to do so, means backing into the first place where it's been searched in time, we never know."

I scowled, mulling her statement as if she had drained me like water. It is one to know the obvious but to confirm that we have a past is another thing.

She said more things in fact but my brains not with me right now.

"Are you Weiss?" I asked, trying and failing to clamp my thoughts.

She pressed her lips into a thin line. I don't know what that means, it gives no solid impression or how it changes her reaction to me. It's not from anger, disappointment or reminiscing thoughts. Just plain thinning of the lips, indifferent and unsettling.

Yes, it unnerved me, because if this silence continues, I will think I done something wrong which I don't in amount of bullshit will get into my head. Shit, this woman had me in my balls and it's not even evening.

"I'm Hakuno Kishinami….. I'm not Weiss." When she said that, I felt relief even though she definitely hesitated. I love Weiss and all, but that demon would leash me if she was able. Hakuno Kishinami though, hmmm…

"It's familiar but I don't care," I told her bluntly, shrugging my shoulders as I gave her my best impression of indifference.

"I see… you didn't remember me at all." Was her hollow words.

The desire to not disappoint the girl struck me hard and fast. "I won't if you won't remind me, so spill." I didn't know why I offered, it's not like it's my place to care if I recall or not if she's not Weiss. Must be her tone though, there's just something in there that I can't cope.

And those eyes.

Yeah, definitely the eyes.

Fuck it, I'm a sucker for brown eyes and I never know why!

"We fought side by side in many wars." She spoke, albeit slowly. "We were inseparable, Master and Servant, we won and rule. Don't you remember?"

I tensed, all posture of indifference gone, annoyance on halt.

"I had lived three lives." I raise three fingers, staring in focus. My pasts are a sore topic for me, almost as sore on how I died. But when I reminiscent and those lives would graze me with a loving peak, it was redemptive. It was with a sensation that grips my heart. Not of hatred or anger. Not of embarrassment or pride. I yearned to know what it is. "I have glimpse of my pasts, but no concrete evidence of what happened in them. Which life were you?"

"Five." She quickly amended, pulling the bent fingers on my hand with a soft caress. She must have seen my confusion and shook her head, melancholic and apologetic at best.

"You had lived five lives. Four of it was with me… a Holy Grail Master, a friend, a lover…. and a wife. _Your _wife."

I don't know what happened, but my last two remaining brain cells must have shut down. Ya know, I have these trait on running my mouth when I'm in a dreadful end. But I guess having no brain cells not that problematic.

Because there's just a big fucking 'What the FUCK' in there, who can't even in my effort, leave my mouth.

She gave me this look and smiled like it was not her fucking fault.


End file.
